Sunday, February 25: To L

Dear L,
      There aren't words to describe the waves of emotions I've felt over the last four days. I thought things were looking up, I thought I was doing great...and then there you were, in my face, and everything came flooding back. It's hard to explain the storm the brews inside when you are on my mind (trust me, I've tried).
      I miss you every single day, I feel completely lost without you. I find myself looking back through things you wrote, messages you sent, trying to gain back just a small piece of the hope you gave me. But then I have to look at the last things you sent, remember that voicemail, accept you are gone.
     I'm proud of you and glad for your success. It is nice to see you happy, hear you talking positively to others, looking like you are doing great. So I try to do the same, but inside I know that I'm not really okay because without you there is too much pain.
     Every interaction with you on Friday made me crumble on the inside. It's painful to see you doing so well without our friendship, leaving me thinking that you are probably better than you've been in over 10 years when our friendship first began. It's heartbreaking to care so much about you knowing that you don't even care at all, knowing that you hate me. It's incredibly frustrating to have these emotions while you don't... I'm jealous that you don't have this pain inside your heart like I do. It makes me angry that you could so simply walk away and leave me here, telling everyone that you did it to help me get better, while telling me you did it because I was messing up your life, damaging your marriage, tainting your career aspirations.
     I have made so many scars on my body since you walked out. I've been hospitalized just from seeing your face. I've tried all that I can to move on, to heal, to grieve the loss of your friendship...yet months later just one look at your face or one moment of the sound of your voice stabs me in the heart and makes me want to do nothing but die.
     I got temporary peace from the storm when I mailed you that letter about a month ago. I meant every single paragraph, every single word. I never expected you to respond...I doubt you ever will. But I'm going to try this now, writing these letters that I never plan to send. We will see if it helps? There has to be something to stop this pain in my heart and these thoughts in my head...

Thinking of you,
M